Ambulance to St. Luke’s

By Manuel L. Quezon III
Philippine Daily Inquirer


So tell me, what’s the plan again?”

“Sir, Madam has ordered that being an ordinary citizen you will be given only ordinary treatment. So, we will put you in an ordinary wheelchair and then put you in an ordinary ambulance to be escorted by an ordinary motorcade and take you to an ordinary suite in the President’s ordinary hospital, St. Luke’s.”

“Ok.”

“We’re about to land. Here is your statement. We will issue it in your name.”

“It says I will speak at the ‘proper forum,’ but I don’t want to go to any forum.”

“Don’t worry. This is code. It means our kind of forum. You know, the ombudsman.”

“I don’t want to talk to the ombudsman. She hasn’t even filed any charges against me, what’s there for me to say?”

“Sir, that’s the point. How can you speak in a forum if there’s no reason for you to go before that forum? See?”

“Ok.”

“Now have you been practicing? You have to look sick, so we can tell them you can’t answer any questions. So pretend you’re having a heart attack.”

“Oh, yeah. But no mask.”

“Sir!”

“No. I don’t trust you guys. You’ll be ok, she said. Come stay in
our apartment in San Francisco, she said. It will blow over, she said. And what? Two years later, all I have to show for it is white hair and American jail time. Do you know what it’s like to eat macaroni and cheese twice a week for two years? Oh the pain, the humiliation!”

“But you have to look ... ”

“No. You might gas me. You might kill me. No mask.”

“Fine. But look sick, ok?”

“Where are my bags? I want my...”

“Shhh.”

“You want me to what? Lie down? On this? Do you know who I am?”

“Sir, please, it’s the only way to put you in an ambulance.”

“But it’s not even a nice ambulance, and are you going to drug me? Don’t strap me down!”

“Relax, Sir.”

“That’s what they told me in US Immigration before my body cavity search. You relax!”

“Here we are, Sir. Ok, when we get there, we will bring you to your suite.”

“Why are you whispering?”

“That’s the Senate sergeant-at-arms beside us, Sir.”

“I thought we’re only going to speak before the proper forum? I
don’t like that forum. You said everything’s going to be ok! Where are we going? Are you going to salvage me?”

“Relax, Sir. We will keep you in the hospital until your doctors say you’re ok, which will take a while.”

“Why? I feel fine!”

“Sir, remember, this is all an act.”

“Oh. Ok. What about him, that sergeant?”

“Him? Even he doesn’t believe you, Sir. Besides, his boss is on our side.”

“Madam?”

“No, his boss, because we have a letter that shows he asked Madam for, well, let’s just say he asked for something he now denies he ever asked Madam for.”

“Fertilizer?”

“No, payments for some road building thing.”

“Oh, that’s so old-school. I’m an innovator, you know. And you wanna know how?”

“How?”

“I learned it in the Rotary. Every time Madam would complain she was worried about paying for the campaign, I kept thinking of the four-way test. Hey, pay attention.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I asked Madam, what is the truth? You want to win. I asked her, is
it fair to all concerned? Yes, because we want a piece of the pie. And then I asked, did it build goodwill and better friendships? Of course, right? And finally, will it be beneficial for all concerned?”

“What does that have to do with fertilizer?”

“Well, if what she wanted was what we wanted then all we had to do was find something to do that made everyone happy. And how do you make plants and people happy? You fertilize them! So, my plan. It was nice. You know I even wrote a book on it when I was in that Federal facility—hey, ouch, what’s that?”

“Nothing, Sir.”

“You just injected me with something. Ooh, I feel warm. Tee hee.”
“We’re almost here, Sir. Look into my eyes.”

“Hi. What’s your name?”

“Never mind, Sir. Just remember. Your name is Joc-Joc and you are innocent.”

“I am? Hee hee.”

“Yes and you know nothing! Nothing!”

“I know nothing, nothing!”

“Good. When I snap my fingers you will not recall this conversation.”

“Oh. You know what?”

“What?”

“I’m glad to be home. I don’t understand why everybody hates me. I didn’t do anything wrong, you know. It’s all a big misunderstanding.”

“Yes, Sir.”

“I hope I’ll be given a chance to air my side. I have nothing to hide.”

“Yes, Sir. The truth shall set you free.”

“Thank you. What’s your name? You look familiar. You’re such a nice male nurse.”

“Me? Just call me Rommie. I know what you’re going through.”

“Such a sweetie. Your last name?”

“Sorry, Sir, that’s covered by executive privilege. Ah, we’re here at the hospital. Bye, now.”